芒果街上的小屋我的名字

我的名字

　　在英語裡，我名字的意思是希望。在西班牙語裡，它意味著太多的字母。它意味著哀傷，意味著等待。它就像數字九。一種泥濘的色彩。它是每到星期天早晨，爸爸刮鬍子時播放的墨西哥唱片，嗚咽似的歌。

　　它過去是我曾祖母的名字，現在是我的。她也是一個屬馬的女人，和我一樣，生在中國的馬年——如果你生為女人，這會被認為是黴運——可是我想，這是個中國謊，因為，中國人和墨西哥人一樣，不喜歡他們的女人強大。

　　我的曾祖母。要是我見過她多好，女人中的野馬，野得不想嫁人。直到我的曾祖父用麻袋套住她的頭把她扛走。就那樣扛著，好像她是一盞華貴的枝形吊燈。那就是他的辦法。

　　後來，她永遠沒有原諒他。她用一生向窗外凝望，像許多女人那樣凝望，胳膊肘支起憂傷。我想知道她是否隨遇而安；是否會為做不成她想做的人而傷懷。埃斯佩朗莎。我繼承了她的名字，可我不想繼承她在窗邊的位置。

　　在學校裡，他們說我的名字很滑稽，音節好像是鐵皮做的，會碰痛嘴巴裡的上顎。可是在西班牙語裡，我的名字是更柔和的東西做的，像銀子，沒有妹妹的名字那麼渾厚。她叫瑪格達蕾娜，這名字沒我的美。瑪格達蕾娜回到家裡可以叫成蕾妮。可我總是埃斯佩朗莎。

　　我想要取一個新的名字，它更像真正的我，那個沒人看到過的我。埃斯佩朗莎換成黎桑德拉或者瑪芮查或者澤澤X。一個像澤澤X的名字就可以了。

　　In English my name means hope. In Spanish it means too maers. It means sadness, it means waiting. It is like the number nine. A muddy color. It is the Mexi records my father plays on Sunday ms when he is shaving, songs like sobbing.

　　It was my great-grandmother's name and now it is mine. She was a horse woman too, born like me in the ese year of the horse——which is supposed to be bad luck if you're born female——but I think this is a ese lie because the ese, like the Mexis, don't like their women strong.

　　My great-grandmother. I would've liked to have known her, a wild horse of a woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-grandfather threw a sack over her head and carried her off. Just like that, as if she were a fancy delier. That's the way he did it.

　　And the stoes she never fave him. She looked out the window her whole life, the way so many women sit their sadness on an elbow. I wonder if she made the best with what she got or was she sorry because she couldn't be all the things she wao be. Esperanza. I have ied her name, but I don't want to i her place by the window.

　　At school they say my name funny as if the syllables were made out of tin and hurt the roof of your mouth. But in Spanish my name is made out of a softer something, like silver, not quite as thick as sister's name——Magdalena——which is uglier than mine. Magdalena who at least e home and bee Nenny. But I am always Esperanza.

　　I woud like to baptize myself under a new name ,a name more like the real me ,the one nobody sees. Esperanza as Lisandra or Zeze the X. Yes. Something like Zeze the X will do.

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